Big Ben Theory

people haved asked if i was okay
i told them that i was fine,
doing good.

they'll all lies.

reviewing over the past fews days,
or even weeks.
just sitting down and think

life has been shit for me,
despite the hectic activities
its just..
a f-ed up part of my life

i know God is always there,
that his blood never fails,
i know that i should not compromise
and that the world never satisfy

i know all these

but knowing is one thing,
living it is another.

Many of times i have cried at the altar,
telling god that im sorry
praying in the quietness
all so hard that God would help me,
to give me strength and not to give in to the world.

but i just cannot..

God has convicted me at the most abrupt and sudden moments,
making me weep
making me guilty,
making me tell myself that i would never do it again
but...

its so difficult, really really difficult.

im really confused,
im really tired.

giving up was an option
but it was true friends that closed that door.

i'm a cell leader,
i'm a musician
in the worship team

but am i living life of a cell leader,
a musician in the worship team
and most importantly,
a christian?

am i?

I know that i am the only one to blame for this
and somehow, it all adds up the same
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
to rid myself of all my sins
i've failed

i dont need sympathy,
i dont need pity,
i dont need gossips, comments
i dont need advices or scoldings,
i just need time to be alone
where god would just come down from his throne room and touch me,
turn me 180 degrees around
renewing the passion, the fire, the love.

if you're reading this and you think its all so drama,
what can i possibly say.
i dont give a freaking damn.

its what i'm going through right now
though i didnt write the problems down,
this are my true sediments, my real feelings.

things are always unpredictable

God,
all i can say is that you move,
move in my life,
intervene in my situation.
perfrom miracles right now

i'm desperate.
please come to my rescue.

i really want to turn away and not become
another nail to pierce the skin of the one who loves
more deeply than the oceans
more abundant than the tears.

lord help me
i pray, i pray